Dance, My Eating Disorder, and Me: Part 4
The majority of my story up until this point was spent not being taken seriously because I was “medically stable” while I was in treatment from 2017-2018. I was lucky enough to have made it this far without any major health scares, and that was no longer true following this new development in my eating disorder. I will spare you the nitty gritty details of the symptoms I was experiencing at this time, but my health deteriorated to a point that I finally confessed to my nutritionist what was actually going on in the spring of 2021. I had not, until that point, divulged to anyone what I was actually doing.
By Emma Neilson, DWC Staff Member
Medical Disclosure: Dancewear Center does not claim to have any medical expertise on any circumstances or diseases discussed. This is Emma’s personal experience and opinions. If you need help or are in a medical emergency, see the resources listed at the bottom of this post.
Trigger Warning: Eating disorders, trauma, self-harming behaviors, and sexual harassment.
The majority of my time up until this point was spent not being taken seriously because I was “medically stable” while I was in treatment from 2017-2018. I was lucky enough to have made it this far without any major physical health complications or scares. That was no longer true following this new development in my eating disorder. I will spare you the nitty gritty details of the symptoms I was experiencing at this time, but my health deteriorated to a point that I finally confessed to my nutritionist what was actually going on in the spring of 2021. I had not, until that point, divulged to anyone what I was actually doing. My nutritionist ended up giving me an ultimatum, and although I can’t remember exactly what she said to me, I distinctly remember throwing out the last bottle of laxatives I had in the parking lot of the place I was working at the time. And although I’ve thought about it since, I have not touched any laxatives since that day.
It was also during the springtime that other ED behaviors started showing up, and it took me several months to realize that I was experiencing what many in the ED community refer to as “Extreme Hunger”, which eventually led me to discover the concept of “All In” recovery. The end of the school year of 2021 was fast approaching, and I was struggling. I refused to go to treatment voluntarily, and because I was no longer a minor, no one could force me to. No one knew the severity of what was actually going on. I told myself that after my last show of the year, I would go “All In”. And that’s exactly what I did.
I ate what I wanted, when I wanted. The problem with doing this unsupervised, and after such a prolonged period of being underweight, is that you can give yourself refeeding syndrome (also see here for more information). At the time, I had no idea what this was, let alone that this was a thing that happened, so I was terribly unprepared for what I was about to go through. Typically if you enter an eating disorder treatment facility underweight, they are very careful with how and by how much they increase your intake of food and nutrients. I was not. After I quit using laxatives, my body started to feel a lot better, however, as I started the process of going “All In” many of the same health symptoms I experienced while abusing laxatives popped up again, including new ones. In the period of 1-2 months, I gained back that 21% of weight that I lost, plus an additional 7%. I had gained over a quarter of my body weight, in a span of 4-8 weeks. I felt terrible, and finally decided to see a doctor. I went into that appointment and came out diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa. Throughout all of this, I was still dancing full-time.
The next few months consisted of lots of doctors, therapy, and nutritionist appointments. I got rid of clothes that no longer fit my new body. I spent months, and months, and months still experiencing extreme hunger, and was struggling to manage and cope with it. I just wanted to be free of my illness. Finally, after a bout with COVID that was accompanied by lots of nausea, my appetite finally started to regulate itself in January 2022. Seven months after I had started my recovery process. However, it took much longer than that to become okay with the way my new body looked and felt. The changes I put my body through were so drastic in such short amounts of time, and going from such a low weight to over my “normal” weight was extremely difficult to come to terms with, both physically and mentally. My body dysmorphia was severe, and my dancing was greatly affected as well. Just like how sometimes when you switch to a new pointe shoe it can take time to get used to, it took an adjustment period to get used to how to dance in my new body.
As I continued through the rest of 2022, I started to feel more at home in my life, my body, and my dancing. I graduated from my dance program. I started working with DWC full-time. And although not everything in my life was rainbows and butterflies, the difficult things no longer triggered me to a point where I wanted to turn to my eating disorder. It was no longer worth it to me. And it still is not. Although disordered thoughts and body dysmorphia can still sometimes be a daily struggle for me, I have not engaged in any active ED behaviors since 2021. Reaching my “goal weight”, and getting the diagnosis I had always wanted, meant nothing to me if I was going to die at the hands of this disease. At the end of it all, the body I achieved and goal weights I hit never made me happy. And it was never enough. No matter the lengths you go to to please your eating disorder, it will never be enough. EDs will suck everything out of you until you have nothing left to give, including your life. I am lucky enough to still have mine.
The purpose of me sharing this story with you is not to receive any pity or comments like “You’re so strong and brave!”. Although it took me time to be able to tell this chapter of my story, it is not difficult for me to talk about. If anyone knows anything about me, they know I LOVE to talk. I want to share my experience and my story. Ultimately, my goal is this: If I have made you feel less alone or more seen, my job here is done. If I have made you realize that you or a loved one is struggling, my job here is done. If I have helped you take the first steps to reaching out for help, or even just gotten you thinking about it, my job here is done.
As long as there is breath in my lungs, I will continue to openly talk about my experiences. I strongly believe that there should be no stigma around eating disorders, especially in a field (re: DANCE), where they are so prevalent. And the first step to end the stigma, is to talk about it. Educate yourself. Learn and see without judgment. Realize that people of all shapes and sizes can be silently struggling with eating disorders. Mentally, I always struggle more internally when I look “healthy”. Weight is not indicative of struggle. Know that there are many more eating disorders besides Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia Nervosa. Eating disorders are sneaky and manipulative. EDs can completely change the person that they are plaguing. If you have a loved one in your life who struggles, think about having a conversation with them about differentiating between them, the person, and their eating disorder.
Eating disorders have an extremely high mortality rate, and anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness. There are resources. There is help. You don’t have to go through this on your own. It is scary, but the freedom on the other side of the tunnel is so, so, worth it. I got my life back, and so can you.
If you or someone you know needs help please visit https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org.
For emergencies please call 911.
And for more resources you can visit our page listing local and specialized help options.
Disclaimer
All content found on the Dancewear Center Website, Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest, and all other relevant social media platforms including: text, images, audio, or other formats were created for informational purposes only. Offerings for continuing education credits are clearly identified and the appropriate target audience is identified. The Content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this Website.
If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, go to the emergency department, or call 911 immediately. Dancewear Center does not recommend or endorse any specific tests, physicians, products, procedures, opinions, or other information that may be mentioned on dancewearcenter.net. Reliance on any information provided by dancewearcenter.net, Dancewear Center employees, contracted writers, or medical professionals presenting content for publication to Dancewear Center is solely at your own risk.
Links to educational content not created by Dancewear Center are taken at your own risk. Dancewear Center is not responsible for the claims of external websites and education companies.
Dance, My Eating Disorder, and Me: Part 3
If you read my previous blog post (originally written in 2019, and re-released in 2022 and 2024), Dance, My Eating Disorder, and Me, you have a pretty good understanding of my story up until March of 2020. My thoughts and feelings on this particularly touchy subject have developed over time, and with the many different things I have experienced as I have lived through the world in the last 5 years. I hope my story can help you if you are currently struggling.
By Emma Neilson, DWC Staff Member
Medical Disclosure: Dancewear Center does not claim to have any medical expertise on any circumstances or diseases discussed. This is Emma’s personal experience and opinions. If you need help or are in a medical emergency, see the resources listed at the bottom of this post.
Trigger Warning: Eating disorders, trauma, self-harming behaviors, and sexual harassment.
If you read my previous blog posts (originally written in 2019, released in 2020, and re-released in 2022 and 2024), Dance, My Eating Disorder, and Me, Part 1 and Part 2, you have a pretty good understanding of my story up until March of 2020. My thoughts and feelings on this particularly touchy subject have developed over time with the many different things I have experienced as I have lived through the world in the last 5 years since I wrote that piece. I hope my story can help you if you are currently struggling.
Like so many others during COVID-19, I experienced a relapse with my eating disorder. My experience from 2020 through 2022 was so incredibly traumatic and scary that for many, this will be their first time hearing about my experience during this particular relapse. It has taken lots of work in therapy and in the way I carry myself in the world to be able to get to this point. If you have experienced an eating disorder, and you are not in a place to share your experiences- know that that is okay. Everybody has a different timeline, and many choose to never publicly share their story. Your story is yours and yours alone. This is mine.
In 2020, as the world was shutting down due to COVID-19, so was I. My eating disorder usually shows up during times in my life where I feel I have little to no control. At first however, this was not my experience during lockdown. At the time, having a few weeks off was a gift. I was able to cross off items on my to-do list, get some much needed rest and sleep, and engage in hobbies that I normally did not have the time for.
As my dance training switched over to virtual classes, I realized that this was my opportunity to play catch up. I was a “late starter” to ballet, only having taken my first class at 13. For my age and the path I wanted to take for my career, I was far behind dancers who were many years younger than me. Dance was the one thing that gave me structure during the months of lockdown and isolation, and I made it a priority. Throughout the 4 months I was at home, I only ever missed one day of virtual classes. As time went on, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I decided to give myself a summer intensive of my own design, and wrote out a schedule to keep myself accountable. This included dance classes of all genres, cross-training and strength training, stretching, and Physical Therapy exercises I had been given for pre-existing injuries. I also decided to complete several physical fitness and education certifications at this time. After 4 months of this, I made a HUGE leap in my strength, stamina, technique, and overall dancing ability and level. The caveat to this was because of my extreme over exercising, my appetite was being suppressed. I had lost 21% of my original body weight.
Although I felt exceptionally strong and healthy, this level of exercise and this weight was not naturally sustainable for me in the long term. I returned to the studio in the summer of 2020 and was placed in a higher level at my studio, and as I was starting to ramp up to my full-time dancing schedule, I severely injured my back. This injury was acute, and so severe that I could barely bend either forward or backwards for several months. I still am dealing with the repercussions of this particular injury now. I ended up dancing through this injury, refusing to stop taking classes and working out, because I was terrified of my body changing back to the way it was before I lost weight. As it was, many people were praising me for the way my body looked now, and my dancing had never been better, so why would I want to go back to the way I was before? It wasn’t until nearly a year later, after I finally had an MRI, that I discovered that I had several bulging discs in my back, and because of my weight loss, was showing signs of degenerative joint disease in my spine. I strongly feel that if I had not lost all that weight, and then proceeded to continue to push myself to the extreme in terms of my level of activity and diet, I would not have sustained this injury.
After a few months of dancing through it, I gradually had to reduce my activity level because of the pain that I was experiencing on a daily basis. Along with this came extreme feelings of guilt (i.e. “I should be working out/doing more”), and distress (“I will gain weight if I don’t xyz”). Still, I was convinced that this was just my new body, and my body had only changed because I was dancing so much now. I was in denial. It wasn’t until winter break of 2020, at the end of December, that I realized I was in the middle of a vicious relapse with my eating disorder. Those two weeks marked the start of my struggle with laxative abuse.
If you missed the other parts in Emma’s series you can find them here:
If you or someone you know needs help please visit https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org.
For emergencies please call 911.
And for more resources you can visit our page listing local and specialized help options.
Disclaimer
All content found on the Dancewear Center Website, Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest, and all other relevant social media platforms including: text, images, audio, or other formats were created for informational purposes only. Offerings for continuing education credits are clearly identified and the appropriate target audience is identified. The Content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this Website.
If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, go to the emergency department, or call 911 immediately. Dancewear Center does not recommend or endorse any specific tests, physicians, products, procedures, opinions, or other information that may be mentioned on dancewearcenter.net. Reliance on any information provided by dancewearcenter.net, Dancewear Center employees, contracted writers, or medical professionals presenting content for publication to Dancewear Center is solely at your own risk.
Links to educational content not created by Dancewear Center are taken at your own risk. Dancewear Center is not responsible for the claims of external websites and education companies.
Self-Image: Maintaining a Healthy Relationship with Yourself and Dance
Mental health and self-image have been a struggle for nearly every dancer I have met. The dance industry, along with many others, wasn’t built with the health of the dancers in mind. I have witnessed dancers battle with body dysmorphia, negative self-talk, and especially maintaining a healthy amount of self-care. I have been dancing for the last fifteen years of my life. I have watched so much talent and passion washed out of my peers simply because they burnt out. Kids who could have had a professional dance career, or at the very least maintained a love for the art, didn’t because it came down to choosing between their health and well-being, or dance.
By Brea Rittel, DWC Blog Contributor
Mental health and self-image have been a struggle for nearly every dancer I have met. The dance industry, along with many others, wasn’t built with the health of the dancers in mind. I have witnessed dancers battle with body dysmorphia, negative self-talk, and especially maintaining a healthy amount of self-care. I have been dancing for the last fifteen years of my life. I have watched so much talent and passion washed out of my peers simply because they burnt out. Kids who could have had a professional dance career, or at the very least maintained a love for the art, didn’t because it came down to choosing between their health and well-being, or dance. Most styles of dance actively encourage a perfectionist mindset, but especially ballet. Ballet is such a beautiful style, but it can be so stifling, and stuck in outdated traditions. Ballerinas were one skin color, one body type, and forced into a mold almost no one realistically fit inside. While there has been some improvement, there is still so much to address. Even now, as a dancer studying in the modern world, these pressures still have a profound impact on me and my health. When I was younger I was told “Don’t show your lunch,” and “Your legs are too big to be a dancer”, at one point I was even told that I would never be able to make it as a dancer because I just wasn’t “made for the ballet”, so I should just give up on any professional aspirations. Now, I find myself constantly unsatisfied with, not just my dancing, but everything I do in a day. My grades are never high enough, I am never happy with my sketches, and even my relationships suffer from my micromanaging tendencies, all of which stem from dance deeply implementing a belief that I will never be good enough into my brain from a young age. I want to pursue dance after high school, but I constantly battle with myself in deciding if it is even possible for me, since I don’t fit the standard. And I’m not alone in this battle, so many struggle with negative self-image as a result of growing up in dance.
Growing up in the age of the internet added a whole new element to this problem that is rarely addressed. I recently had a conversation with a dance teacher only 10 years older than me, and she pointed out that even when she was a kid there wasn’t the same widespread use of technology as there was when I was growing up. And it is only increasing for younger generations. My teacher believes that, for instructors, this changes what the students need from them in a class. I know as a student currently, I find it much easier to work with teachers who still treat me like a person beyond being their student. This can be as simple as not making derogatory comments about my intelligence when giving a correction, or asking before giving any tactile feedback. We now have constant access to other dancers on the internet, she pointed out. From professionals to child prodigies, all we see are these filtered versions of amazing dancers. Seemingly perfect in every way. While this can be a wonderful tool, it is impossible not to compare yourself. Social media algorithms make a profit off of our comparisons. The more time spent on the app, spiraling, the more engagement they're getting. So, they shove as much content in our faces as possible at all times. Because dancers tend to see the worst in themselves, and the best in others, we see them at their best and instinctually compare it to ourselves at our worst. It can be incredibly discouraging to constantly feel like you aren’t measuring up to that level of perfection. It is helpful to remember that dance, like almost everything else on the internet, isn’t always real. What we see posted is likely not the first time they attempted that video or picture, in the same way that we don’t always nail our turns or leaps immediately. It can be incredibly hard to pull yourself out of the mindset that you are worth less as a dancer than the people you see on social media, but it is important to remember that they are real people too. They have bad days too. They fall out of single pirouettes, miss a step in a dance, or catch themselves sickling their feet too. No matter how much social media gives us a false idea of perfection in the world, it will never be the case for anyone, including dancers.
The struggle with self-talk is so much more complex than most people give it credit for. Striking a balance between self-correcting and still maintaining a generally confident mindset. Having the ability to recognize your own mistakes without the thoughts becoming unproductively negative is a learned skill. For years I was told to just be positive as if it is that simple. I would express my frustrations with my dancing only to be greeted with comments like “We only do self-positivity here” from my peers, which never actually helped me not be negative, it just furthered my frustration because being positive about myself seemed impossible in the moment, and harmed my relationships with the people around me. It constantly made me feel like there was something wrong with me for not being able to be content with myself, the result being the worsening of my already poor self-talk. One of the best bits of advice I have ever received was to live in a neutral state of self-talk. For the longest time, I almost always lived in a state of self-resentment because I could never be as good of a dancer as I wanted, and the idea of trying to completely shut that down and move to a place of constant self-love was too overwhelming for me to even make an effort towards improvement at all. To me, it was a losing battle, so what was the point? When a teacher suggested shifting to a neutral place it seemed much like a more manageable leap (pun intended). This means instead of saying I am a terrible dancer every time I have a bad day, acknowledging that it was just that, a bad day. Instead of saying things like “I will never be a good enough dancer”, make goals about it. The key is recognizing the improvement. This has helped me get to a place where, while I still see my flaws and want them to go away, I can address them in a much healthier way more frequently.
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One last thing many dancers, including myself, have struggled with, is taking care of ourselves. I have spent the last 6 years of my life nursing an achilles injury that wouldn’t be nearly as much of a problem as it is if I had just taken care of it initially… or the second time… or this time… or any of the times in between. The reason I haven’t is something I’m sure many people relate to, I just don’t want to “waste my time” taking a break. I don’t want to fall behind my peers. Most people I know say things along the lines of “Oh well, I’ll just suck it up, it’ll go away eventually”, which hardly ever happens. Problems need to be addressed, whether mental or physical. The topic of mental health days is often a subject of debate for people, but taking care of your mental state can’t be ignored. Not just for the dancer's state, but their peers, coworkers, instructors, and choreographers are all impacted as well. Don’t get me wrong, dance classroom attendance is NOT optional. If you are simply not having the best day, or something is a little off, showing up and not being one hundred percent for one day is absolutely fine. Nobody is completely on it all the time. Showing up in a state that is so negative that it is detrimental to yourself and others is not, though. If you need a rest day because you are too overwhelmed, burnt out, anxious, or a host of other reasons it is okay to take a day off. What matters most is how you spend it. You could spend it eating chips and binge-watching random shows (though an occasional lazy day won't kill you, that can be saved for weekends and days off, it wouldn’t be effective for a mental health day), or you could spend it refueling your body. Spending time in nature, drinking lots of water, eating foods with nutritional value, sleeping, and of course doing things you enjoy, whatever you find works for you will leave you feeling more prepared for the next day than the first option. It won't make the feelings go away, but you will find yourself more refreshed and capable. The key to this is a healthy, honest relationship with your peers and coworkers in which you can communicate your needs without judgment or ridicule.
Along with that, generally eating enough, sleeping enough, and drinking enough water are so important to being a healthy dancer. It only hurts you more to not meet your body’s needs. You won't dance at your best, you won't be in your best mental state, and you won't feel good at all. Also, finding time for you to maintain relationships inside and outside of dance is not optional. Humans biologically need communication, so healthy relationships are a necessity to continue moving your health in a positive direction. It is so hard to maintain positive relationships with yourself and dance at the same time, but having a healthier mindset will help so drastically. Your dancing will improve and you will just feel so much better generally. I know taking baby steps towards everything I have talked about has helped me so much in the last year alone. Now, I am going into a summer of intensives, my senior year next year, and then adulthood feeling better about my dancing, healthier, and more self-aware than I ever have before. I encourage you to take a small step towards self-care, nothing major, just having snacks in your car or being intentional about spending time outdoors more. Even if the change isn’t major it opens the door for growth.
Disclaimer
All content found on the Dancewear Center Website, Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest, and all other relevant social media platforms including: text, images, audio, or other formats were created for informational purposes only. Offerings for continuing education credits are clearly identified and the appropriate target audience is identified. The Content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this Website.
If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, go to the emergency department, or call 911 immediately. Dancewear Center does not recommend or endorse any specific tests, physicians, products, procedures, opinions, or other information that may be mentioned on dancewearcenter.net. Reliance on any information provided by dancewearcenter.net, Dancewear Center employees, contracted writers, or medical professionals presenting content for publication to Dancewear Center is solely at your own risk.
Links to educational content not created by Dancewear Center are taken at your own risk. Dancewear Center is not responsible for the claims of external websites and education companies.
Dance, My Eating Disorder, and Me: Part 2
One thing that you have to know- recovery is not linear.
By Emma Neilson, DWC Staff Member
Medical Disclosure: Dancewear Center does not claim to have any medical expertise on any circumstances or diseases discussed. This is Emma’s personal experience and opinions. If you need help or are in a medical emergency, see the resources listed at the bottom of this post.
Trigger Warning: Eating disorders, trauma, self-harming behaviors, and sexual harassment.
This post was originally written by Emma in 2019, shared in 2020, and re-released in 2022 and 2024. Edits have been made for clarity.
Relapse
One thing that you have to know- recovery is not linear.
After 6 months back in the community, I decided I wanted to pursue dance more seriously. I was a “late starter”, had danced purely recreationally up until now, and had taken a year off. I was far behind where I should have been considering my age. In 2019, I started auditioning for summer intensives to kickstart the next phase of my training. I applied to colleges, and was also working and dancing. The combination of this stress, the inadequacy I felt when it came to dance, and my worsening body dysmorphia built up and in the spring of 2019, I experienced my first relapse. My behaviors were worse and more extreme than they had ever been, along with some new ones thrown in the mix. I lost a shocking amount of weight over the course of 2 months.
People who were close to me all started to notice, but I played it off as just an increase in my dancing. The health care professionals I was seeing at the time informed me that something would have to change or else we would need to consider treatment again. Treatment wasn’t even an option I was considering, and I knew that if it was put on the table again, I would refuse to go voluntarily. However, deep down I knew that I needed help again. I started seeing my therapist and nutritionist more regularly. At this point in time, I was set to attend a summer intensive in two months and needed medical clearance to attend. I knew that my doctor would not clear me to go unless she was convinced that I was healthy and doing well. I did not want to go back to the hospital or to treatment, so again, I had to make a conscious decision to recover.
Dance
When my eating disorder first developed, dance played a very big role. I struggled with body dysmorphia and terrible body image. I found that I would use dance to fuel my negative thoughts and behaviors. Even so, it was very difficult for me to take a break from dance. I was scared to take a break from exercising to commit to healing my body. I was terrified of my body changing in a way that I would perceive as negative.
While my body did inevitably change, you have to heal the body first before you can heal the mind. When you are not fueling your body correctly, your brain isn’t getting the nutrients it needs to function properly. The mental aspects of this disease are easier to work through after the physical issues have been addressed.
When I returned to dance, it felt as though everything had changed. I had previously looked at it as motivation- “I have to look like XYZ because of dance”, “I can’t eat XYZ because I’m a dancer”, “I need to exercise XYZ amount of time because of dance”. In recovery, I now look at this as motivation to stay recovered. I know I have to fuel my body in order to dance to the best of my abilities. I have better coping skills, a support system, and a wealth of knowledge up my sleeve to help me on tough days.
Sometimes I think about if I were to go back in time- would I still take a year off of dance? The answer is always the same- yes. If I could go back, would I still go to treatment? Yes. If I could change my past, would I choose to let my past self go through her eating disorder? Still- yes. Even though the present me may not love where I am in my life right now, everything in my past and that I have gone through has ultimately made me into the person that I am today. And for that I am eternally grateful. I have a very unique perception of society, diet culture, and self-love that not many people have, and if I am able to influence just one person even a little bit with my story, then it has been worth it.
A Call to Action
Dance has existed for centuries, and as such, we’ve carried on outdated traditions into modern times. The perpetuation of the stereotypical “ballet” body, the excessive use of mirrors, and teachers and directors policing dancer’s bodies and food just to name a few. Just because something has existed one way for so long doesn’t mean that it can’t change. The question is, how?
First and foremost, we have to start the discussion. I feel that by avoiding the topic of food and bodies out of fear, instructors and other authoritative figures in the dance community actually cause more harm than good. By not talking about it, many young dancers remain uneducated and uninformed. With a plethora of diets and unhealthy eating information at their fingertips, it is extremely easy to start developing disordered behaviors at increasingly younger and younger ages. However, this topic does need to be approached with sensitivity. Here are some major points that I think are important to remember:
All bodies are good bodies.
Your size and your weight don’t define you or your worth as a person.
Your size and your weight don’t define you as a dancer.
People can be healthy at every size.
Eat what you want, when you want.
There is no such thing as “good” or “bad” foods. Society has just pushed this narrative onto us. Many “bad” foods when compared to “good” foods end up having the same nutrients.
Everything in moderation. This includes exercise as well!
Even at rest, you still need to fuel your body. Your brain and your organs need food to function properly, even at rest.
Everyone’s body is different and has different needs. And that’s okay!
Secondly, if you are an instructor or a studio director, I would say one of the best things you can do is to bring in experts to educate your students. Because of the way the media works, false information is everywhere and spreads like wildfire, making it nearly impossible for youths to sift out the reliable information and facts.
Thirdly, I think it is about time we as a community change the way we use mirrors in our art form. I believe that mirrors are an essential training tool, and can benefit any dancer at any level if used correctly. However, in my experience, mirrors are often used for unhealthy comparisons and to pick out flaws to the extreme. Additionally, every student at some point has heard the phrase “Stop looking at yourself in the mirror!”, and unless used as a prop, we don’t perform with mirrors. So, what would it be like if we started using mirrors less? Covered mirrors? Were taught from a young age that our reflection does not define us? If you are a teacher or a director, ask yourself what you can do to shift the focus of your students from comparisons and relying on a mirror, to dancing for themselves and tuning into their body- how their body feels when dancing, and how movement feels in their bodies.
Lastly, I want to say this to anyone who needs to hear it- there is no shame in taking a break from dance. There are so many reasons you might need to take an extended leave of absence. I know it can feel scary and you might be afraid of what will happen, but I’ll leave you with this- if you feel the need to do it, it will probably be a decision you won’t regret in the future.
If you missed the other parts in Emma’s series you can find them here:
“It can be so hard to stop or pause what we love to do, but any investment in yourself as a human is in turn an investment in yourself as a dancer.”
~Caitlin Schafte (a dear friend of mine)
If you or someone you know needs help please visit https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org.
For emergencies please call 911.
And for more resources you can visit our page listing local and specialized help options.
Disclaimer
All content found on the Dancewear Center Website, Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest, and all other relevant social media platforms including: text, images, audio, or other formats were created for informational purposes only. Offerings for continuing education credits are clearly identified and the appropriate target audience is identified. The Content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this Website.
If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, go to the emergency department, or call 911 immediately. Dancewear Center does not recommend or endorse any specific tests, physicians, products, procedures, opinions, or other information that may be mentioned on dancewearcenter.net. Reliance on any information provided by dancewearcenter.net, Dancewear Center employees, contracted writers, or medical professionals presenting content for publication to Dancewear Center is solely at your own risk.
Links to educational content not created by Dancewear Center are taken at your own risk. Dancewear Center is not responsible for the claims of external websites and education companies.
Dance, My Eating Disorder, and Me: Part 1
I have such a crystal clear memory of the first time my ED reared its ugly head. I was at lunch with a group of my friends, and I happened to look down at the nutrition facts on the package of chips. Within the hour, I had counted all the calories I had eaten so far that day, and had a calorie goal set for myself for the next week. From that moment on, I was fighting a downhill battle.
By Emma Neilson, DWC Staff Member
Medical Disclosure: Dancewear Center does not claim to have any medical expertise on any circumstances or diseases discussed. This is Emma’s personal experience and opinions. If you need help or are in a medical emergency, see the resources listed at the bottom of this post.
Trigger Warning: Eating disorders, trauma, self-harming behaviors, and sexual harassment.
This post was originally written by Emma in 2019, shared in 2020, and re-released in 2022 and 2024. Edits have been made for clarity.
Development
As a child, I remember comparing myself to others my age in the dance studio.
I remember family members talking about how they didn’t like their bodies.
In middle school and high school, I remember being surrounded by diet culture in my family.
I remember my friends talking about what they would eat in a day, how they had eating disorders, and how they would hurt themselves.
I remember when I first started dance and thought to myself, “I don’t look like anyone else here,” and hating myself for it.
I would say that I’ve had disordered eating habits since I was 13 , but my actual eating disorder (ED) didn’t develop until my senior year of high school. There’s a saying that your eating disorder develops after a perfect storm of “little t” traumas that over time culminate into your eating disorder. For me, there’s almost too many to list. I was a perfectionistic 4.0 student with no idea what she wanted to pursue after graduating high school, a dancer who had been surrounded by diet culture her whole life, and a teenager who was sexually harassed in her junior year of high school.
I have such a crystal clear memory of the first time my ED reared its ugly head. I was at lunch with a group of my friends, and I happened to look down at the nutrition facts on the package of chips I was eating. Within the hour, I had counted all the calories I had eaten so far that day, and had a calorie goal set for myself for each day of the next week. From that moment on, I was fighting a downhill battle.
Everyday consisted of strict rules including calorie limits, foods I could and couldn’t eat, weight goals, and how I would “punish” myself if I didn't adhere to these requirements. I was totally obsessed and my whole life became consumed by this mindset. I couldn’t focus on my academic classes, and I was depressed and anxious. I tried to keep it a secret as long as I could.
My body eventually took over in order to keep me alive, and I wound up in the cycle of restricting and bingeing. I started therapy, and it was at this time I was diagnosed as Bulimic. Things were not going well, and I was hospitalized for suicidal ideation for the first time 3 months before I graduated high school.
After I was released, I was determined to graduate with a 4.0 GPA, while my family was trying to encourage me to go into treatment and temporarily drop out of school. Eventually I graduated, finished all my end of year recitals and concerts, and not even a week later was hospitalized again. While I was there the second time, my doctors recommended I go into intensive treatment for my eating disorder.
Treatment
What It’s Like and My Experience
From June 2017 until March 2018, the majority of my time was devoted to attending treatment, working through my thoughts and ED behaviors, and recovering.
The first half of this year, I was in a Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP), which was 10 hours a day, 5 days a week. It was during this time that I was diagnosed with OSFED (previously known as EDNOS). A typical day in treatment looked like this:
I would get there in the morning, and as a group, we would do a check-in: how we were feeling, anything that we were struggling with, etc. Then we headed to breakfast. I would say that hands down, the hardest part of treatment was meal times. Each person had a personalized meal plan, and if you didn’t finish the food you were required to eat, you were given a meal supplement you had to finish. If you didn’t finish it, you were sent home for the day, and then other treatment options were discussed with you and your team. We ate in groups as well, so being surrounded by everyone having their own battles often made it harder. Before eating we would do check-ins which included talking about our hunger levels. Typically with EDs, you ignore your body’s hunger cues, and can even lose them altogether, so this was an exercise in body awareness. We would play games during meals to help distract ourselves and try to get through it. After breakfast, we had intuitive groups. Our groups ranged from therapy, to discussing certain topics, nutrition & cooking, outings, and art & yoga. You could also have individual therapy or nutrition appointments throughout the day, as well as medical appointments to monitor your heart, blood levels, and weight. We had snack times between each meal, lunch, groups/appointments, snack, break, dinner, and the last group of the day. Wash, lather, rinse, repeat. The only time you had at home was between 7pm-7am the next morning before you got there for breakfast. I personally found nights the hardest, trying my best to sleep and not engage in ED behaviors during the night time.
After a few months of this, and a third hospitalization, I ended up at a different treatment facility by January of 2018. Here, I was in an Intensive Outpatient Program, or IOP. I spent breakfast through lunchtime there, with 2 groups per day. This allowed for a lot more freedom and responsibility on my end to meet my meal plan and prove to my care team that I was getting better. After about 6 months of not being allowed to engage in any exercise, I was finally cleared to, and I decided to return to figure skating for a few months after I had taken a break from this sport for 4 years. This level of care was the hardest for me. I wasn’t in treatment for as long each day, and it was up to me to eat everything I was supposed to and not engage in ED behaviors. However, towards the end of that spring, I started quickly declining. My team wanted me to go up to the PHP level of care again, but since I had been in treatment for so long and was deemed “medically stable”, my health insurance denied this request. This was not the first time my insurance had done this. Within my first two months of treatment, I was supposed to go to an inpatient clinic for 24/7 care, but as I was “medically stable”, my insurance would not cover it. Insurances tend to look at the medical aspect of things when it comes to treatment for eating disorders- which is completely backwards because they are mental illnesses. I was not dangerously underweight and my blood work was normal after the first few months of treatment, and at this point my insurance would not cover higher level of care. The entire time I was in treatment facilities myself, my family, and my care team were fighting to keep me there so I could get the help I needed.
That spring, my insurance was no longer wanting to cover any of my treatment costs, and I was 18 and was reluctant to go to a PHP program again. I was now an adult, and could now decide to voluntarily leave any program I was in, so I did. Right after I stopped my treatment, I ended up spending two weeks with my sister and her family. This ended up being a very healing time period in my life. My mindset completely changed and I decided that I was sick of being sick. I never understood when doctors, therapists, nutritionists, and those who were recovered said that recovery is up to you. I felt like I didn’t have a choice, and that my ED was controlling all of it. But that’s not true. I had to make a conscious decision to recover, and realized that no one could do it for me. No amount of treatment was going to magically heal me if I wasn’t actively trying to get better. And I realized that I hadn’t been trying.
I started to recover, and I finally returned to dance after over a whole year off.
“Remember, even if you can’t see someone’s struggle doesn’t mean it’s not real.”
If you or someone you know needs help please visit https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org.
For emergencies please call 911.
And for more resources you can visit our page listing local and specialized help options.
Disclaimer
All content found on the Dancewear Center Website, Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest, and all other relevant social media platforms including: text, images, audio, or other formats were created for informational purposes only. Offerings for continuing education credits are clearly identified and the appropriate target audience is identified. The Content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this Website.
If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, go to the emergency department, or call 911 immediately. Dancewear Center does not recommend or endorse any specific tests, physicians, products, procedures, opinions, or other information that may be mentioned on dancewearcenter.net. Reliance on any information provided by dancewearcenter.net, Dancewear Center employees, contracted writers, or medical professionals presenting content for publication to Dancewear Center is solely at your own risk.
Links to educational content not created by Dancewear Center are taken at your own risk. Dancewear Center is not responsible for the claims of external websites and education companies.
Lessons from the Emerald Isle: What I’ve Learned as a Contemporary Dancer in Ireland
On September 12, 2021, I hopped on a plane and moved from Seattle to Ireland to study contemporary dance at the University of Limerick. It was a move five-years in the making, fueled by my lifelong love of Ireland itself and my growing career as a movement artist. I can say without reservation that this move was the best personal, professional, and artistic decision I’ve made to date. Living in a country that feels like home while advancing myself as a dancer has been transformative on a cellular level. I would love to share with you a bit of what I’ve learned on my Irish journey so far.
By Hannah Emory, DWC Blog Contributor
hannuh EM-or-ee), She/They
On September 12, 2021, I hopped on a plane and moved from Seattle to Ireland to study contemporary dance at the University of Limerick. It was a move five-years in the making, fueled by my lifelong love of Ireland itself and my growing career as a movement artist. I can say without reservation that this move was the best personal, professional, and artistic decision I’ve made to date. Living in a country that feels like home while advancing myself as a dancer has been transformative on a cellular level. I would love to share with you a bit of what I’ve learned on my Irish journey so far.
I traveled to Ireland twice in 2018, first as a tourist and again as a volunteer hostel worker, to sort of test-run my dream to live in the country. The pull I felt toward Ireland was intense well before I set foot in the country. I immediately fell in love with the spirit of the place and during my travels, I became convinced that Ireland would be my future home. Of course, visiting a place is totally different from starting a new life there, but even after returning to America, I yearned to get back to the Emerald Isle and give my new life a go.
Meeting my course director over Zoom in the weeks leading up to my immigration gave me a sense that the University of Limerick would provide me exposure to artists from around the world, students and teachers alike who would open my eyes to new facets of the dance world. Additionally, I would be able to tap more into my passion for fiddling, interest in Irish paganism and mythology, and growing skills in Irish dance. The weeks flew by as my anticipation, and a little bit of natural nerves, grew. And before I knew it, I had packed a massive suitcase, said goodbye to my family, and was marching through SeaTac with my heart pounding. As my Aer Lingus flight soared toward my new home a few hours later, I knew I was embarking on an incredible adventure.
It is wild to think that two years have passed since that fateful day. Sometimes it feels like I have been a student in UL for ages, other times it feels like I’ve snapped my fingers and found myself here: stronger after two years of rigorous training, with so much creative fire in my belly for what the future holds.
In that time, I have made dear friends, learned from some of the world’s best contemporary dance teachers, and been involved in some absolute dream projects. I’ve learned a tremendous amount from the last two years, and am anticipating so much growth in my final year of study. If I were to condense this time of my life into three crucial lessons, it would be the following:
Photo by Nikola Evora Zonenberg
Find your own creative path and follow it: When you’re in university, there will be many new sources of information and training that cross your path. I encourage you to soak it all in and seize the opportunity to make what you learn a part of your own unique creative signature. I did this by spending as much independent time in the studio as I could. I reviewed what I was learning from my teachers, improvised and experimented, and recorded my movement research. I also took improvisation classes, worked with my fellow students, and watched performances that gave me a vision for what I want my own choreography to look like. Finding your creative voice takes a mixture of relentless pursuit, joyful creation, and curious learning. It will be your most important tool as a movement artist and will give you endless material for creating work in the future.
Collaborate as much as possible: Collaborative projects are a bit like creative pressure cookers. They bring you into contact with artists who have ideas different to your own and are an amazing way to give and take creative inspiration. As an example, my class cohort came together for our first independent project in the summer of 2022. We learned so much about filming, rehearsing, choreographing, and we got a lot closer to each other. At the end of it, we had a work in progress that we are extremely proud of that served as a springboard for projects we’re doing now. You never know what will come from working with other dancers (especially when it’s with folks you’ve never worked with before); it’s one of the best learning tools available.
Don’t be afraid to forge a new path: Until about a year ago, I was convinced that I would follow a relatively traditional contemporary dancer’s path once I completed my degree. I supposed I would find work with a dance company and follow a standard performing dancer to choreographer/company director pipeline. But, through my education in UL, I discovered circus arts and fire performance, and my whole vision for the future changed and I unlocked a part of myself that was waiting to speak and move. I say all this to encourage you to not be afraid to reinvent yourself throughout your career. Wherever you started your training does not have to dictate the path of your future, and having a wide range of movement experiences under your belt is a commodity in the dance world. As another example, one of the girls in my year started as a popping street dancer, came to UL where she started contemporary dancing for the first time, and is now an incredible aerial dancer. Because of her willingness to go down new paths and explore, she has a range of movement available to her that makes her a dynamic and sought-after performer. So, if there is an avenue of movement arts you haven’t explored yet but want to, I encourage you to allow your path to shift from what you thought it would be. Answer the call to reinvent yourself and it will take you to amazing places.
In my experience, these invaluable lessons were heightened by training in another country where my comfort zone has been expanded by default time and again. Yet, these principles apply in any educational context and you don’t have to make a huge life change to implement them for yourself. Wherever you find yourself in your training or work as a dancer, you can stay in relentless pursuit of your own artistry, chase the collaborative opportunities that come your way, and stay open to reinventing yourself. I’ve found these elements to be highly adaptive tools in any movement context, and believe they are the spice of being a dancer. The possibilities are truly endless when you keep yourself open to what’s around you. Go forth and dance, my friend.
Living My Truth Out Loud: Embracing Human Expression
“Human expression on the most natural level is non-binary,” said Ashton Edwards, former Dancewear Center (DWC) Ambassador, in an interview for the DWC Blog. Ashton is a dancer with Pacific Northwest Ballet, and an exquisite one. I’ve been following them on Instagram since they partnered with the DWC ambassador program in 2020. They inspire me and give me hope because when I was growing up, queer dancers were invisible.
By Brittni Bryan, Former DWC Ambassador
“Human expression on the most natural level is non-binary”
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“Human expression on the most natural level is non-binary,” said Ashton Edwards, former Dancewear Center (DWC) Ambassador, in an interview for the DWC Blog. Ashton is a dancer with Pacific Northwest Ballet, and an exquisite one. I’ve been following them on Instagram since they partnered with the DWC Ambassador program in 2020. They inspire me and give me hope because when I was growing up, queer dancers were invisible.
In 2009, the year I graduated high school, Nigel Lythgoe of So You Think You Can Dance infamously and harshly critiqued a pair of same-sex ballroom auditionees saying, “I think you’d probably alienate a lot of our audience. We’ve always had the guys dance together on the show, but they’ve never really done it in each other’s arm’s before. I’m certainly one of those people that really like to see guys be guys and girls be girls on stage,” Nigel said. I watched the episode when it originally aired, sitting in my first girlfriend’s basement bedroom. We weren’t dating yet. Neither of us were out yet, and in fact, I hadn’t even realized I was in love with her yet. But, I remember watching that episode with her and I remember being upset. That was the representation I got: a pair of ballroom dancers condemned for their sexuality on national television— their technique and talent mostly ignored. The focus was on the binary of traditional partnering pairs and how this pairing was abnormal in comparison.
In December of 2012, Washington state became one of the first three states in the US to legally recognize gay marriage through popular vote. I was living in Seattle’s Capitol Hill neighborhood at the time, finishing up my bachelor’s degree at Seattle University. I still wasn’t fully out, but my roommate and I walked to the Pike/Pine corridor where people celebrated this long fought for human right on the streets, the excitement frenzied and palpable. The next year, I started dancing for a local production company on Capitol Hill. It was a queer-run dinner theater that primarily found success in hosting 21st birthdays and bachelorette parties. I danced there on and off for four years. During that time, gay marriage was federally legalized in the United States. At some point, I choreographed a “romantic” lyrical/contemporary routine for myself and one of our male dancers. We needed an understudy but none of our other male dancers could execute the technique, so I suggested one of the other girls should understudy. Our owner and director, a gay man, agreed, saying it would be okay for a female to understudy the male part because it would be artistic, not sexual or romantic. But what if it was sexual and romantic, and why couldn’t it be? Just a few years later, the male-presenting dancer I originally partnered with began her transition from a male-presenting body to a female-presenting body. The whole time, I had been dancing with a woman anyway.
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It was not until 2019 that I saw anything in the dance world that validated my sexuality. Kiara Felder, 29, of Les Grands Ballet and formerly a principal with Atlanta Ballet, was interviewed by Dance Magazine for an article on Pride and dance. In a section called, “Could I Be a Ballet Dancer and Be a Lesbian”, Felder discusses the fractured relationship between her sexuality and her professional dance career. She describes how she stayed in the closet at the beginning of her career, “worried that she'd lose her scholarship at PNB [our very own Pacific Northwest Ballet] if the administration found out she was gay”. As she continued her career and moved to Atlanta, she found her community amongst some of the gay male dancers. However, she still struggled to find other queer women in dance. Her struggle, my struggle, and probably the struggle of many young, queer, female dancers, revolved around representation. Felder said, “Without representation, I started to feel this pressure and fear. "Could I be a ballet dancer and be lesbian?". Lesbian stereotypes focus on the masculinity of gay women: softball players, basketball players, soccer players, etc. Athletic gay women are stereotypically found in male-dominated sports, not in the feminine world of ballet. Except that we are. We’re here, and the outdated, binaried beliefs in dance are keeping us in the closet.
This brings us full circle back to Ashton in 2021. Ashton is breaking gender boundaries in the very same ballet company that Felder was afraid to come out in. They are the first biologically male dancer to study en pointe with Pacific Northwest Ballet and train in traditionally female roles. And they are only eighteen! Ashton is just at the beginning of their career, and I cannot wait to see how the dance community evolves as queer dancers continue to find themselves mirrored in dancers like Ashton or Kiara Felder or Alonso Guzman or Travis Wall or Ashley Yergens or Emma Portner or Nick Lazzarini or James Whiteside or Kyle Abraham or Mollee Gray and her partner Jeka Jane.
I finally came out in 2016, but sometimes I still feel uncomfortable being openly queer today. But then I see Ashton, living their truth out loud in one of the best ballet companies on the West Coast, and I see how much things have changed since I was eighteen. I’m excited to continue to see dance embrace non-binaried castings and non-binaried expressions because Ashton is right, human expression is not inherently binaried. We’ve just made it that way.
So, what can we do to help society accept dance as a non-binaried art form?
One way we can help is by normalizing same-sex partnering and supporting artists who choreograph duets between partners of the same sex, particularly ones with themes of intimacy or romance. Examples include Lauren Lovette’s pas de deux between Preston Chamberlee and Taylor Stanley in the ballet “Not Our Fate,” Justin Peck’s same sex pairing in “The Times Are Racing,” and Joshua Beamish’s work in “Saudade”. When audiences only see romantic duets performed between a man and a woman, it perpetuates the dominant idea that heterosexual love is the only kind of love acceptable to see onstage and offstage. Additionally, when queer dancers only see heterosexuality portrayed onstage, it can make them feel underrepresented and like their experiences aren’t worth depicting. But artists have the opportunity to help change this by creating work that challenges the norm. Choreographers in particular, can help by actively choreographing duets that aren’t performed by man-woman pairings to challenge the norm of heterosexual romance in dance.
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In dance classes, we can aid in normalizing the use of non-binaried language in our teaching. Oftentimes, teachers use language that defaults to heterosexuality as the “norm”. However, this is damaging because when people assume the sexuality of someone they are denying the existence of other identities, reinforcing the normalized identity as the “correct” way to identify, and erasing the ability for young people to see alternate identities as valid. People often assume someone is straight until they “come out”, but this is not the case. We can challenge ourselves to not assume the sexuality of others by being more inclusive with our language. For example, in 2014, I started saying “guy or girl” to describe the idea of being flirtatious in jazz styling instead of just “guy”. Seemingly small changes like this can help many of us start to retrain our brains to think in ways that aren’t dominated by heterosexuality.
So, when you see artists in your community creating works that confront heteronormativity, support them in any way you can, whether that be buying tickets to their shows, sharing their work with others, or finding ways to collaborate. If you are an artist, particularly a heterosexual artist, challenge yourself to create work that promotes diverse identities in an effort to continue to break down the barriers of society’s obsession with the gender binary and allow for a deeper exploration into the human experience through art.
Let's Talk About Dancers and Depression #mentalhealthawarenessmonth
May is Mental Health Awareness Month! In this series, we are giving the staff here at DWC a platform to talk about their personal mental health journeys. We believe in supporting the wellbeing of the whole dancer; both body and mind. We want you to know that you are not alone. We believe in the importance of talking about mental health openly, especially within the dance world. So let’s talk about it!
In this article, Cherie, Social Media Director here at DWC is sharing her experience with depression.
May is Mental Health Awareness Month! In this series, we are giving the staff here at DWC a platform to talk about their personal mental health journeys. We believe in supporting the wellbeing of the whole dancer; both body and mind. We want you to know that you are not alone. We believe in the importance of talking about mental health openly, especially within the dance world. So let’s talk about it!
Trigger Warning: Depression.
By En Avant Photography
Medical Disclosure: Dancewear Center does not claim to have any professional medical experience on the subjects discussed. This is Cherie’s personal experience and opinions. If you need help or are in a medical emergency, see the resources listed at the bottom of this post or call 911 for immediate medical attention.
Over the years, I have become very well acquainted with this feeling; my limbs are heavy and it feels like someone is sitting on my chest. I oversleep and lose my appetite. I get headaches, and the world around me feels dull and colorless. Sometimes it lasts a day, sometimes months. This is what depression looks like for me.
Talk to someone you trust. No one's meant to go through life alone.
For a long time I struggled with holding myself to an unrealistic standard. I had an ideal version of myself that I was constantly striving for. I was adamant about “fixing” myself; so I would isolate and try to fix all of the things I didn’t like, emerging on the other side as who I thought I should be. Not wanting to burden anyone else with my personal struggles, I drew further and further away from the people who cared about me. The first person I opened up to about what was going on was my Mom. That was the first step I took out of the little cave I dug myself. When I started going to therapy in high school, the very first exercise my therapist had me do was write out all of the people I had in my support system. These were the people I knew I could reach out to. When I first wrote this list, I think there were only two people I felt like I could talk to. If I were to write out that list now, there are at least a dozen people that come to mind. In reality, those people were ALWAYS THERE, the only thing that’s changed is my ability to ask for help when I need it. Look at the people you have in your life that you love and trust. Asking for help can be scary, and can be hard on our ego sometimes, but no one is meant to go through life alone. Whether it be a parent, a friend, a teacher, or mentor, find someone to talk to.
It’s important to take each moment as it comes and allow our body and mind to process these feelings. I often rely on the list below to help guide my actions when I feel stuck or in a particularly bad place.
Go for a walk. Something as simple as fresh air and movement help lift our spirits.
Take a shower. It’s the little things that count. Focusing on small tasks like taking a shower or brushing your teeth can help your brain kick into motion.
Practice circular breathing: inhale for 4 counts, hold for 4 counts, exhale for 4, hold for 4. This is helps get more oxygen to your brain and body, as well as grounding your brain in the present moment
Talk about it. I know it can be uncomfortable, but talking about how you are feeling to someone you trust can lift a huge weight off your shoulders.
Write a gratitude list. It’s easy to get caught up in a sense of lack or hopelessness. Take 3 minutes to write down the things in your life that bring you joy.
Here is an example of what I might write:
I’m grateful for my morning coffee
I’m grateful for my walk outside; the sun felt warm on my skin
I’m grateful for the time I get to spend on the phone with my mom
I’m grateful for lighting candles in the evening that make my home feel cozy.
I think especially as dancers, we place an unrealistic expectation on ourselves to be perfect. We must learn to enjoy the process, not the outcome. I think a lot of times we use our training to be overly critical of ourselves and our bodies. While we are constantly striving to push our limits, it’s important we take time to appreciate and thank our body for all it does for us in the moment. Dancing for me has always been the one aspect of my life where I could escape my brain. Even on the days I felt I couldn’t get out of bed, if I made it to dance class in the evening I would begin to feel better. As I write this, we are currently over two months into a stay-at-home order put in place due to COVID-19. Myself and countless others are having to grieve the loss of many aspects of our normal lives. Not being able to gather and dance with my peers has been the hardest to grieve. Rehearsals and classes have been such a vital aspect of my self care because they give me the space to reconnect with my body and quiet my brain from the outside world. I knew going into quarantine would trigger depressive responses. I experienced oversleeping and lack of appetite in the beginning. I have had to reintroduce movement back into my daily routine to help me cope with this difficult time. Wherever you are in your mental health journey, remember it’s a process.
Even writing this now brings up uncomfortable emotions and memories of the hard times in my life. If you are reading this and are in a similar situation, I want you to know that it’s okay not to be okay. You are worth living for, you are worthy of love, and it does get better. These things take time and it’s not easy, but it’s worth it. I promise you it’s worth it.
RESOURCES:
Mental health resources for Washington State :
https://www.rtor.org/directory/mental-health-washington/
If you are a parent who is wanting to help their children with COVID-19 related depression and anxiety, read this:
http://www.schoolmentalhealth.org/COVID-19-Resources/
If you have suicidal thoughts, click the link below:
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/are-you-feeling-suicidal.htm
Or call 1-800-273-TALK in the US, or visit suicide.org to find a helpline in your country
Sarah Slipper On Creating Representative Leadership in the Dance World
NW Dance Project’s Artistic Director Sarah Slipper believes that there is a need for women representation in leadership positions in the dance industry. When asked about the true power of a title, she says that, in her opinion, it is less about “power” and more about the opportunity to guide, provide wisdom, and lead individuals. “It is important to see shared equality in leadership roles,” Sarah says. “Representation is very, very important, especially in key roles.” In an industry dominated by women participants, ensuring that leadership reflects that is of the utmost importance.
On the Ballet Gender Pay Gap
By Madison Huizinga and Ava Budish, DWC Blog Contributor and Ambassador
NW Dance Project Artistic Director Sarah Slipper, from https://nwdanceproject.org/directors
Women make up more than 70% of the ballet industry. So why are the seats of power in such a female-dominated industry controlled by men? Of 125 ballet companies surveyed across the globe, Dance Data Project found that, excluding the United States, 66% of the companies have a man as artistic director. In the United States specifically, that number increases to 71%. Beyond acting as a general figure of leadership, artistic directors have a hand in nearly every important decision to be made in any given company. This could include casting, budgeting, handling disputes, overseeing and selecting repertoire, and so much more. With such power and influence, it is crucial that the people in these positions are representative of their employees - that is not currently the case in the ballet industry.
The disproportionate amount of male leadership cannot be chalked up to a lack of female faculty in ballet companies. For example, the Dance Data Project reports that out of 1,600 dance faculty positions at institutions of higher education, women outnumber men approximately 2:1, including in full-time and part-time jobs. However, the position of dean - the highest position within a school - is held by men 66% of the time. While all faculty positions are important and essential to the success of a dance company, more coveted roles are higher paid and are given primarily to men. Those working in higher positions have more power when it comes to important decision-making in the dance industry, hence the need for a more equitable gender representation.
NW Dance Project’s Artistic Director Sarah Slipper believes that there is a need for women representation in leadership positions in the dance industry. When asked about the true power of a title, she says that, in her opinion, it is less about “power” and more about the opportunity to guide, provide wisdom, and lead individuals. “It is important to see shared equality in leadership roles,” Sarah says. “Representation is very, very important, especially in key roles.” In an industry dominated by women participants, ensuring that leadership reflects that is of the utmost importance.
The small percentage of female artistic directors are paid significantly less than their male counterparts. In 2018, they were only making 61 cents for every dollar earned by an equivalent male coworker. In 2019, this number slightly increased to 73 cents; however it is still ten cents below the national average, where women earn 83 cents to every dollar earned by their male counterparts. This pay gap makes little sense, as women artistic directors often have just as much experience in the industry as male artistic directors. Additionally, Dance Data Project reported that female artistic directors were more likely to serve a longer term than men. So not only are these women equally qualified but they also hold their position longer.
The consequences of the larger gender pay gap in the United States are wide-reaching, and often affect women throughout their lives. As a result of their lower lifetime earnings, women receive less in Social Security and pensions and on average have only 70% of the overall retirement income that men have. In addition, it’s important to note that the gender pay gap is compounded by systemic racism. According to the American Association of University Women (AAUW), the gender pay gap widens when race is taken into account. In 2020, AAUW found that on average Black women made about 63% of what a white man earns annually, and Hispanic women make about 58%. For white women, the gap lessens, with them earning about 80% of what a white man earns annually.
Sarah points out that men in the dance industry are a rarity and, as a result, often receive special treatment. Male dancers certainly face challenges of their own and deserve a place in the dance world, nonetheless, the sexism women experience cannot be overlooked. Sarah tells us that not only was it challenging to find work as a freelance choreographer, she has also witnessed men being subsidized more than women on numerous projects. She and her colleagues had to create many of their own opportunities. Perhaps if there were more male dancers in the industry, men wouldn’t receive a disproportionate amount of specialized opportunities. Many companies must tackle the challenge of uplifting and encouraging young men to pursue dance without creating inequality.
Photo from Christ Yang on Unsplash
Sarah tells us that both the problem and solution start with young dancers. She believes that it is essential to empower young girls from the start of their careers in hopes that they grow up and have the courage to pursue a position of influence. This encouragement should undoubtedly be met with dance schools and companies making systemic changes that bring women into positions of power in which they receive the same pay as men in equivalent positions. Such changes could include adjusting recruitment strategies, providing educational workshops to staff on implicit biases, offering fellowships for women choreographers to gain more experience, and much more. Putting change solely on the shoulders of the individual contributor negates the role that larger systems can play in perpetuating inequality. Both are important for creating lasting progress.
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If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, go to the emergency department, or call 911 immediately. Dancewear Center does not recommend or endorse any specific tests, physicians, products, procedures, opinions, or other information that may be mentioned on dancewearcenter.net. Reliance on any information provided by dancewearcenter.net, Dancewear Center employees, contracted writers, or medical professionals presenting content for publication to Dancewear Center is solely at your own risk.
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Responsive Teaching
On the first day of a theater camp for homeless and abused teens, I walked down the line of 40 campers and tried to teach what I had naively considered a “basic” ripple of movement. I stood next to a kid I would later learn was named Bruno, demonstrating and loudly explaining to the room how they should reach and hold each other and told the camper behind him, “now put your hand up on her shoulder like this.”
Bruno flinched at the sudden touch, and then his head snapped around, big brown eyes flitting from straight at me to the ground and back again.
Part 1: Bruno
Name pronunciation: Em-me Fan-s-ler | Pronouns: she/her
By Emmy Fansler, DWC Ambassador
On the first day of a theater camp for homeless and abused teens, I walked down the line of 40 campers and tried to teach what I had naively considered a “basic” ripple of movement. I stood next to a kid I would later learn was named Bruno, demonstrating and loudly explaining to the room how they should reach and hold each other and told the camper behind him, “now put your hand up on her shoulder like this.”
Bruno flinched at the sudden touch, and then his head snapped around, big brown eyes flitting from straight at me to the ground and back again.
“I’m a boy.”
Dead quiet. But soon after, a snicker came from across the room. And then a, “Say what?!” from somewhere down the line.
After that, the whole room laughed, aside from the 10-12 counselors and volunteers who tried to calm everyone down, a demoralized and humiliated Bruno, and me. The horror struck teaching artist that just publicly misgendered this kid whose trauma had already made it difficult to trust anyone or feel like he belonged anywhere. The activity was over and no one was willing to pick it back up, even before I’d finished teaching the entire ripple.
Talk about a humbling moment. This was not the place for the choreography I had dreamed up. I hadn’t even met these kids or considered their stories. I just assumed they’d be excited to learn what I had to teach them.
From this large group activity, the campers were split into groups and brought through my dance and movement class in 45-minute rotations. I don’t remember how many groups I worked with before Bruno’s, but I remember feeling the palpable anxiety when he came into the room— some of it (or perhaps most of it) being my own.
The goal for that day was to get to know the campers and start generating ideas for the piece they would perform at the end of two weeks. The morning had proven to me that throwing them into my preconceived routines and patterns was not going to work, so I had them stand in a circle and tell me some random things— maybe their name, pronouns, something they wanted me to know about them, something they were good at, a time they felt brave… something like that— so I could determine my next move.
Truth be told, I don’t remember any of their answers— at all. What I remember is the way Bruno nervously moved as he answered the questions— shuffling forward a few steps, then backward, over and over. His eyes everywhere but at me, hands fidgeting first in his pockets, then in his long hair, then with each other. And then when his turn was over, he stopped. I had been mesmerized, and his abrupt stop disarmed me and the “cool” I’d been trying to keep.
He noticed my staring, and I blurted out that the way he moved had sort of hypnotized me. He blushed and people stood around awkwardly, but I was inspired and his nervous movement had given me an inkling of an idea I wanted to play with. I asked him if he realized that he’d been moving, and then showed him with my body what he’d been doing. I asked the entire circle to try the forward and backward steps with me, and reluctantly they did. I added a look over the shoulder when they stepped backward, and then after a few more sets added a sigh and a single fidgeting gesture. They fell into a rhythm and suddenly I realized they were doing it without needing my continuous prompting. They listened to each other’s footfalls and coordinated their breaths organically. Watching it all come together in my head, I asked them to face the same direction instead of into the circle. The whole group trudged forward two steps, stumbled back one, brushed their hands on their pant legs, looked back, and sighed. Starting the process over and over and over.
With Bruno at the front of the formation, I asked him to make it travel, and lead it all the way across the floor. I asked a couple of them if they’d be comfortable trying it while carrying someone on their backs. I asked two more if they’d be willing to be carried. This, it seemed, was the moment they knew there was magic in the making.
The teens were engaged, excited, and enthusiastic at the way the sequence progressed from Bruno’s organic movement into the soul-stirring piece they performed for a packed house the following Friday. They partnered. They rippled. They rolled and reached and leapt and lifted Bruno up to the sky with a blue cyc and remnants of broken furniture hanging from the flies. They started with diagonal trudging and ended with eyes up, chests open, backs arched, hands on shoulders, showing support and care for each other in front of hundreds of strangers. Not one of them having taken a dance class before camp, but all of them KNOWING they had just moved the hearts of every single person witnessing them. There were no pirouettes, no high kicks, no tricks of any kind… maybe four pointed feet, total. Just a bunch of beautiful teens with a story to tell— one that began unfolding out of the anxious movement and emotional responses of one brave and vulnerable student named Bruno.
This was a formative experience, not only for the kids who found a platform to share their stories of resilience, but for me as a teacher and choreographer. It forever shifted the way I choreograph and opened my eyes to the beauty of teaching the non-traditional dancer. You don’t need years of training, the perfect body, or endless financial resources to be a dancer and tell your story through movement. You need a body and space. And… you don’t need dancers with a life of devoted ballet technique, marley floor, and perfectly performed etiquette to choreograph and create a life-changing piece— you need the willingness to see the humans in front of you, an openness to what they’re sharing with you just by existing, curiosity, creativity, and love for the incredible work you get to do.
Disclaimer
All content found on the Dancewear Center Website, Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest, and all other relevant social media platforms including: text, images, audio, or other formats were created for informational purposes only. Offerings for continuing education credits are clearly identified and the appropriate target audience is identified. The Content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this Website.
If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, go to the emergency department, or call 911 immediately. Dancewear Center does not recommend or endorse any specific tests, physicians, products, procedures, opinions, or other information that may be mentioned on dancewearcenter.net. Reliance on any information provided by dancewearcenter.net, Dancewear Center employees, contracted writers, or medical professionals presenting content for publication to Dancewear Center is solely at your own risk.
Links to educational content not created by Dancewear Center are taken at your own risk. Dancewear Center is not responsible for the claims of external websites and education companies.
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